It's always poetry

Generally speaking, I prefer the written word when it comes to art. I like paintings, sculptures (LOVE that), architecture, and music. But the written word is my favorite.

About a year ago I found a friend in possession of this book. I asked if I could borrow it and proceeded to not return it for 8 months. I found that I just kept coming back to it. Over and over again. Oscar Williams was brilliant - this is my favorite compilation of anything ever.

Now, The Count of Monte Cristo is my favorite book, but I think if I had to pick a book to read for the rest of my life, I might choose this one. It explains more about human emotion than I've ever read. It describes more things than I think I will ever experience.

I read all the poems in this book, and I constantly questioned everything about them. What is the author going through? Why that word? Would I have done something differently? Do men really feel this deeply (I have absolutely zero experience with men, so whenever they write poetry or music, I find my skeptical nature rises to the surface)? What is the story behind this poem? Did he marry this girl? Did she waste in loneliness?

And it's so beautiful how much I learned from this book. Some of the most beautiful poems about stuff I'd never think to write about! Poems about the breeze, aging, truth, stillness, histories, brotherhood, and so many others. It's just a delightful book in every aspect.

And this post is me waxing lyrical.

And now for some levity:

"Advice to my Son"

by Peter Meinke

The trick is, to live your days,

as if each one may be your last

(for they go fast, and young men lose their lives

in strange and unimaginable ways)

but at the same time, plan long range

(for they go slow: if you survive

the shattered windshield and the bursting shell

you will arrive

at our approximation here below

of heaven or hell).

To be specific, between the peony and the rose

plant squash and spinach, turnips and tomatoes;

beauty is nectar

and nectar, in a desert, saves -

but the stomach craves stronger sustenance

than the honied vine.

Therefore, marry a pretty girl

after seeing her mother;

show your soul to one man,

work with another,

and always serve bread with your wine.

But , son,

always serve wine.

sometimes....

sometimes... I stay up late and watch movies.

sometimes... I do things I shouldn't, and say things I shouldn't.

sometimes... I indulge in my favorite guilty pleasures: Irish drinking songs and chick flicks.

sometimes... I am flippant when I should be serious.

sometimes... I say mean things in my head.

and

sometimes.... I stay up late and write random posts on my blog.

"The time has come,"

the walrus said,

"to think on other things...."

What a day...

I had a great Turkey Day. It's my second favorite holiday, after 4th of July. But I woke up this morning and was not myself. This poem came to mind, fully formed. So if it's terrible, I blame my subconscious. Here it is, unedited.

I slept in your arms in my dreams last night.

But when I woke, you were gone.

And when I woke, my heart ached.

We laughed in my memories last night.

But when I woke, it was to a drab, grey morning.

And when I woke, it was with a tearing gaze.

We lingered in my fantasies last night.

But when I woke, only dreams and memories comfort me.

And when I woke, only dreams and memories are with me.

For the time is not come for we two to be one.

But like Dowson, I say, Lover! the night is thine!

and like Horace, I say, I am desolate and sick of an old passion.

Waking Life

Is there another word for thesaurus? :)

I am really relating to this song lately. And I love the movie.

"i'm not lost, i'm just looking for my prince....and by the way, you're still on my mind."

And i love fall.

and i love reading. still.

and i love food that is so spicy it makes my nose run.

and i love adventure.

and i love being clever.

and i love my friends.

my family.

my books.

my brain.

which sounds conceited, i know, but i love it just the same.

some things never change

i write something, and i hate it.

i write something again, and i hate it.

i write something else..... surprise, i hate it.

i edit, edit, edit.... and i can't find the words. nothing sounds right. nothing feels right. endlessly feeling out the sentences, the words, the phrases, and the way the words feel in my mouth is just WRONG. ( i just edited that section 3 times. see what i mean?)

not that one shouldn't edit.... but usually it's not this hard for me.

well, usually i'm quoting people so usually editing isn't necessary.

I don't consider myself a gifted writer. I lean more towards the succinct and exact, rather than the emotionally exhaustive. I never make the page limits given in english classes. it drives me nuts that they even give me page limits anyway.

this season is one of waiting. i see a different life approaching quickly, and i am so excited to exit this current one. graduation, jobs, a new location, a new scene, new friends, new sights. not provo. not anymore. it is finally (and happily) time to go.

but as previously discussed, i hate waiting.

sometimes i have real issues with the whole 'Lord's Timetable' thing. i'm so ridiculous, it's ridiculous. maybe sometime soon i'll grow up.

Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.

I am a very bold person.

"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back-- Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth that ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now."

-attributed to Goethe

Because I am a bold person, hesitancy bothers me. When I see people hedging, I get frustrated. It took me a long time to figure out why. I used to think that they didn't know themselves well enough to move forward and act. That they were indecisive and rely on others to help them make their decisions.

That is very judgmental, I know.

The more I observe people, however, the more I understand the hesitators. Perhaps they do not know their own mind, perhaps they like to mull over things for a long time, or perhaps they just know that some things do not require worry on their part. This last point is something I could learn from.

A down side to being a hermit is that we often do not understand people. We can understand a person (usually ourselves, and very well) but people, societal rules, and social constructs.... some of the things we do just seem so binding and ridiculous.

This is where boldness comes in. This is where my inner Rhett comes out to play.

And I believe that once you fully commit yourself, not much can stop you. There's something powerful about commitment. "Failure is not an option." is a more powerful statement than some people realize.

hope is a good thing

I think hope and despair are two sides of the same coin. Hope is the dream, and despair is a nightmare.

I had a nightmare and a dream last night. Literally. It's particularly odd since I never remember my dreams.

Should I believe in coincidences?

Coincidence is logical.
Johan Cruijff

Coincidence is the word we use when we can't see the levers and pulleys.
Emma Bull

love, like, loathe and kiss, date, dump.

I like this show: LEVERAGE

I loathe this sport: Volleyball

And I LOVE this book (and despise the movie): The Count of Monte Cristo

Out of Mr. Darcy, Mr. Thornton, & Mr. Rochester, I would....

Kiss Mr. Rochester

"What do you think of the Master?" - Ms. Fairfax

"He seems very changeable, Ma'am." - Jane Eyre

Dump Mr. Darcy

"I could more easily forgive his pride if he had not wounded mine." - Elizabeth Bennett

And I would marry Mr. Thornton.

"I don't want to possess you! I want to marry you because I love you!" -Mr. Thornton

"Well you shouldn't! Because I don't like you...and I never have." - Margaret Hale

should, ought, and won't.

10 things i feel slightly guilty about not liking:

1. seafood.

2. politics

3. The Work and the Glory series.

4. physical exercise

5. math

6. people that let their emotions take over their lives.

7. modern fiction

8. crowds

9. pictures of people's vacations

10. facebook status abusers.

10 things i feel no shame whatsoever about:

1. ridiculous amounts of cheese on spaghetti or lasagna.

2. making obscure references that i know no one understands

3. driving fast.

4. the fact that all i think comes out my eyes. (it's true, i can never hide how i really feel)

5. the whole debacle with the jerk.

6. i can be unrepentantly ambitious.

7. my scrooge-iness.

8. how much i like reading. i will almost always choose to read and not play.

9. my need to make food look pretty... more than it should taste good.

10. the fact that i posted something as narcissistic as this.

it's a good day. :)

The Very Thought of You

"There's no such thing as a difficult decision... the truth is decisions are easy. You know why? Because every time, every time, you already know the answers... You see, You didn't come to see me to make a decision. You came to me because you didn't like the decision you'd already made." - Pederson

I love the recklessness of faith. First you leap, and then you grow wings.
William Sloane Coffin

"People need to be reminded more than they need to be instructed."

-CS Lewis

1. I wonder sometimes how often I've gone to my mom, not to make a decision but to feel justified in the decision I already knew I was going to make. I don't think people struggle with deciding. I think they struggle with the consequences they knew they won't escape.

2. HA! I love faith too. But man, sometimes it's hard to jump.

3. Galileo once said "you cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him find it within himself." How true, how true. And dear CS sums it up very well too. We already know how and why we should do things. I think this is where the importance of example comes into play.

4. I love America. Happy Birthday Homeland.

Hamlet, Act 5 Scene 2

"Sir, in my heart there was a kind of fighting,
That would not let me sleep: methought I lay
Worse than the mutines in the bilboes. Rashly,
And praised be rashness for it, let us know,
Our indiscretion sometimes serves us well,
When our deep plots do pall: and that should teach us
There's a divinity that shapes our ends,
Rough-hew them how we will,--"

-Hamlet, Act 5 Scene 2.

The lenses through which we view life affect how we interpret new experiences. This is not new information.

I find myself thankful for the rashness in me that often saves me from myself.

spot-on

"Inability to Disengage Personal Worth from Ideas. Now this is a kicker. I think some people are so invested in their ideas, in what they have learned, that they view any sort of disagreement as a personal attack. This is the worst way to live. They seem to take arguments as an opportunity to get angry and hurt and, consequentially, retreat further away from any possible risk of having their faulty sense of self shaken."

-Clancy

A few of my favorite things...

i am extraordinarily happy today.

I'm listening to "Hey Soul Sister" by Train, and thinking of warm beaches, wind in my hair, and the way boys smell.

I love that smell.

Soon I will be in the arms of angels. I will see my family.

I have chips and salsa,

I hear a lovely desert rain,

I have a that smile I can't erase,

I have chocolate in my tummy, and

a loving Heavenly Father who told me yesterday that He loves me, is proud of me, and to hang in there...it's gonna be more awesome than even I can imagine (and I can imagine a lot...).

ALSO, I got my Take That cd. FInallY.

Many things make me happy. I love happy.

I reached a conclusion about art and music. Maybe it's too fluid. I'm working on it. Essentially, I think that if it speaks to you, then sure... it's art. It's hard to define something that is an emotional connection. That's what makes art interesting. I am actually fond of Jackson Pollacks. Even though he just threw paint at a canvas.

I've seen reproductions, and I've seen other people do what he did. Very few of them speak to me.

I like dandelions, country music, and the golden mean. I like talks by Holland, polka dots, and a thick sauce.

just sayin'.

Don't you worry 'bout a thing

Today my best friend told me that she's worried she might marry someone she doesn't love.

I nearly choked on the irony.

She's worried she'll settle out of desperation. I've accepted it as His plan for me.

But don't worry. I don't believe in being condemned to live a loveless life.

"Have I not commanded thee? Be strong and of good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."

-Joshua 1:9

I think this has real merit.

1. Denial.

2. Anger.

3. Bargaining.

4. Depression.

5. Acceptance.

One year for each! hooah, 5 years of the ridiculous cycle.

I hear a lot of people trying to ignore what they feel. shove it away, not think about it, and pretend it doesn't exist. Why? It's like they're trying to skip the last step... which we can all agree is the most essential.

It makes me think of the line from "French Kiss" with Meg Ryan and Kevin Kline. Meg's character is talking to her ex-fiancé, and about how guilty he feels. She begins to tell him that it's OK, she's moved on... then quickly switches gears.

"You know what? Feel guilty. Soak in it till you're fingers get all pruney."

I love that line.

Every new feeling adds a dimension of humanity that is interesting and worthy of investigation.

So what do i feel? what am I soaking in till my fingers get all pruney?

Acceptance.

Because i'm done being mad, sad, in pain, and drained. I'm ready to explore the last step.

"We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us."
Joseph Campbell

It's inspiration

President Uchtdorf's talk from Priesthood session is inspired.

That is all I have to say.

singin and dancin and all that joyous stuff

guys, the music is back.

the MUSIC is BACK.

this is a big deal. s'riously.

it's back in the form of something smaller than my hand, and golden yellow. love.

while i would like to be esoteric, mysterious, and... ok, whatever, I really don't want to be like that. Simply put, my ipod broke last week, and I finally decided that I had enough in my budget to buy a refurbished one from apple.

this past week - sans music - has been interesting (being with my own thoughts...) but i really love music.

guys, i love music. so so much.

and it's BACK!

hoo-ah.

what's your favorite song? I'm really diggin "Timshel" by Mumford and Sons and "the devil went down to Georgia"..... good stuff.

Wooooooooorrrrdddsss

Polonius: What do you read, my lord?

Hamlet: Words, words, words.



Hamlet: Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio.

A righteous example

Go read Alma 61.

Pahoran is my hero right now.

vs. 14: "...let us resist evil...let us resist with our swords." Fight satan with action. do not just passively ward him off. be actively striving to always resist him. because he is always trying to tear you down.

vs. 15: "therefore, come unto me speedily with a few of your men..." ask for help in times of trial. it doesn't mean you are less of a person. take refuge in the angels God has sent you to help. You will be someone else's angel someday, but if you need help now, seek it.

Seriously, Pahoran. You are my hero. I so needed you today.

It's art, OK?

Schrödinger's wanted to express the phase and plane wave (in complex vector form):

and to realize that since

then

leading to...

and

we find:

(very important!)

for a plane wave we obtain:

And, by inserting these expressions for the energy and momentum into the classical formula we started with, we get Schrödinger's equation, for a single particle in the 3-dimensional case in the presence of a potential V:

this was sort of semi, totally ripped from wikipedia.... i don't have the little fancy psi, gradient, or h-bar keys handy.

i love quantum physics. love love love love love it. Feynmann once said, "If you're not afraid of quantum mechanics it's because you don't know enough about it."

I say quantum physics is God's loophole. seriously, some weird stuff happens here people. But i love it. it's magic. it's beautiful. and it's AWESOME!

science is art to me. it is love. it is passion. it is reason. it is....

with eyes that shine

Sometimes i can't believe how healing it is to write.

purdy dern healin'... if'n ya ask me.

“The memory of things gone is important to a jazz musician. Things like old folks singing in the moonlight in the back yard on a hot night or something said long ago.”
-Louis Armstrong

“Jazz music is an intensified feeling of nonchalance.”
- Francoise Sagan

“Jazz is the only music in which the same note can be played night after night but differently each time.”
-Ornette Coleman

They say that jazz is the only truly American music. And the sad part is that many Americans do not like it, understand it, or want it around.

I love jazz. As a trumpet player, there is something about the soothing sound of blues - emphatically pulling at your heart - the sass of a playful saxophone, the mournful bass, the proud piano, and the wild drums that when combined into the style of jazz create something so youthfully human. So much emotion swirling around.
The wild fun of those teenage years, the incredible pain of a first broken heart, the desire for an eternal summer, rebellion, wisdom, creativity and PLAY.
There is something to be said in human endeavors where play is the key ingredient. The desire to do something for it's own sake. Jazz takes this idea and runs like the wind with it.
So go play.

planetae. wanderer.

I have wandered from the purpose of this blog. whoopsadaisy!


Let's talk sonnets.

My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lips' red;
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damasked, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;
I grant I never saw a goddess go;
My mistress when she walks treads on the ground.
     And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
     As any she belied with false compare.

-Shakespeare

Now, I do love Shakespeare sonnets. I love Shakespeare. This particular one strikes me as very Shakespeare-esque.
Take for instance, the way the poem starts out. Sarcastic. Cynical. Sometimes misogynistic. Why is he insulting his lady? She has stinky breath? And you don't like her voice? What words of love are you getting at here?

He gives the humor a tang of sarcasm and biting wit. Oh, that is good. A+, William. So much attitude, so few words.

Next, he makes this interesting admission: that he is aware his love is not a goddess. Isn't that odd. Who says love is blind? 

Finally, "...I think my love as rare/ As any she belied with false compare." Oh man! What a way to sum it up!
"I know her faults! And to me...she is perfect." He sums up the poem and immediately dispels all contempt in two simple lines.

Maybe I should work on memorizing that one too.

Here's another, as a bonus. Well, it's not a sonnet, just a lovely poem.

SHE walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies,
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meets in her aspect and her eyes

     -Lord Byron

vicarious

one of the perks of being a closet hermit is watching others.

what i love most is watching other people be alive.

alive with life, alive with love, alive with self-esteem.

alive in the gospel, alive in family, alive in friends.

alive in service, alive in discovery, alive in joy.

alive alive alive alive alive alive alive ALIVE.

i love it so much. it makes me feel alive. and even though my hermit-ish-ness gets the better of me sometimes, i learn how to live from seeing others live. and i love living. and i love loving. and i love growing. and i love the LORD. and i love things that make me feel alive.

and i love that i have this little place. where i can be alive in a way i can nowhere else.

on hermitness, music, and waiting.

Sometimes I Forget The Music.
Not by choice. {yes by choice.}
I just let it fade.
and somehow it always finds me again.
Almost by accident.
"How did i let you go?
How did I let YOU go?"

"Music express that which cannot be said, and on which it is impossible to be silent." - Victor Hugo.

How does simple poetry
set to a patterned tune,
have the power to make me fly
make me think
rip my soul apart
and be healed.
And how does music
fade?
And why do I let things go?
And why don't I dance more?
{there's a bald-faced lie.}
I dance all the time.

I. Am. so in love with life.

Once upon a time
i had a problem.
I'm still in recovery.
The thing is, other people thought it was a problem.
I was perfectly fine.
I am a closet hermit.
I prefer to spend time with myself.
and a good book.
always.

But at BYU, this is just unacceptable.
There are people to meet.
Girls to serve.
Boys to flirt with.
Movies to watch.
Heaven help the person who is fine by themselves.
They are an odd duck.

I think a lot about external validation.
How I measure my success.
and the correlation between the two.
or, more appropriately, the lack thereof.
I can see something and know it's intrinsic value.
But so can everyone else.

Have you ever done something you know you shouldn't do?
not just little things.
I mean a big thing.
I did.
And I don't regret it,
though i'll feel the pain of it for a long time.

I fell in love with a man.
An interesting man.
The man I'm not going to marry.
Because I'm not supposed to marry him.
But I want to.
The man I am supposed to marry
hasn't quite reached it yet.

How can i be shown the wine
and know that i'll only ever get water?
how do you reconcile that?
By knowing that He can turn water into wine.
But my puny mind doesn't like this.
I want the water-to-wine boy
to be wine now.
Because I'm tired of waiting.
and obviously, I know better.
yeah right.

This wine, though.
the wine i think i want.
i know i don't really want it.
it's bitter.
someone threw a seed in his mix.
and it got stomped on.
(did you know that grape seeds are bitter, and you can't squish them in the process of making wine, or the ruin the whole thing?)
but i always wonder
what happened to this love.
who threw in the seed, and then crushed it
and ruined him?
Because he his a great wine.
with a peculiar aftertaste
one that i don't quite like.
why then, do you ask
do i want to marry him?
because he is the only MAN
i have known in my life.
i know many boys.
and guys
but he is a man.
and i have this ridiculous, all-consuming, painful, retarded, unyielding, desperate, floundering, compulsory NEED to feel like i don't have to be in charge.
my water still makes me feel like i need to take charge.
and i hate that.
my wine... i can release all control to him.
and he likes it that way.
and so do i.
but my bitter wine
is not for me.
so i am waiting for my water.
to turn to a wine
fit for use.

because i am always waiting.

today i lack courage. and i always lack capitals.

i don't know how to tell you that i'm happy you are happy.

we were friends first, for years, before it messed up.

so i will always have the friend reaction first.

and the girly one next.

and i can't tell you how sad it made me,

when i could see the light go out in your eyes,

when you thought everything was over.

and were so confused, like me.

but each for very different reasons.

but now, i'm so happy that i can see you filled with life.

that i can see you are so in love with life,

because you are so in love.

and finally, it's wonderful again. and we're good.

and i will always want to tell you

that now i know what to look for,

because you helped me find it.

and i'm so happy for you.

but i can never tell you.

because today i lack courage.

and tomorrow it won't matter.

books and me? yeah, we get along.

speaking of jade-tricked, i think i was sucker-punched too. yes, they are different things. but this time, they're funny.

today i realized who one of my friends reminds me of. truly, it's like he stepped off the pages of my books and into my life.

he must think i'm insane because i stare in stunned silence at how much he is like this fictional character.
who is the character? this guy:


oh Rhett, my first fictional love. (should have known then the type of guys I'd fall for... don't worry, I like good boys now, not bad ones.)
You know what i love about Rhett? his ruthless honesty. that painful, ruthless, tactless honesty, i just love it. "I can handle anything from you but a lie, my dear." So, point the first: only the honest ones.
next, practicality. Sensible, thorough logic. "We are scoundrels, both of us." indeed, he is.
the ability to see things as they are. and to make them what he wants them to be. love that clout.
lastly, and this is something you miss if you just watch the movie, his sense of humanity.

it's almost tradition in my family, that the girls read gone with the wind when we are 12, and fall for rhett. all my sister did it, my mother, my nana and her sisters.... kind of makes me want daughters.

anyway, my friend is Rhett, and it's the best. I feel like i have my own personal celebrity.

Scarlett: Sir, you are no gentleman.
Rhett Butler: And you, Miss, are no lady.

Take That

My bishop looks like Robbie Williams.
I love the band Take That.
"Sometimes we don't know what we're waiting for/ but that's the time to be the first one on the dance floor/ we go from green to blue to gold to black/ breathe deep. who knows how long this will last. "
Sometimes my mind feels like a whirling dervish.
And i just want it to stop.
so i write, to make it shut up for a while.
but it starts chattering away again.
did i say sometimes? i meant all the time.

lately i've been wondering why my top 5 favorite books were published before 1880.
i've wondered that since i was 17.
they speak to me. relatable. fiction published now is... boring. easy. too much BAM in too short a time. too much of WHAT is said, rather than HOW it's said. they don't trust the reader enough.
kind of like politics.

lately i've been thinking about beatrice. and benedick. i need a benedick. i am beatrice. "we are too wise to woo peaceably."
"but then there was a star danced. And under that was I born."
"you always end with a jade's trick. I know you of old."

i think i've been jade tricked. the fun is payback.

was there a point to this?
je ne sais pas.

habit

Today I looked at the clock at 11:10. Then again at 11:12. I was sad that I missed 11:11.

You know, I've wished for the same thing at 11:11 for the past 3 years... solely out of habit.
Isn't it interesting, the things we do without thinking just because we've done them for so long anyway?
Someday I will study psychology and figure out why that is. But now it's back to the natural sciences...

a la mode

Cooking. Food was the first thing I loved that loved me back.

This was the first aspect of creativity that I developed, and the first area of my life where I thought, "Hey! Maybe I am a little artsy!"

To me, food is 70% presentation. If it looks beautiful, I whole-heartedly believe it will taste beautiful. For instance, I hate fish. GROSS. YUCK. ICKY. Recently, however, I had a dish with fish that was wonderfully prepared... and I was able to eat a few bites.

Ok, ok, the scientist in me says that it was probably a type of fish I had never had before, and that's why I like it. But I like to think it was its lovely presentation.

I love cooking so much, in fact, that I almost became a chef.

tip: for a truly interesting garnish, cut a green onion about 3" from the root (where the hot part is). Then, cut the onion into little thin slices, but don't cut it all the way! You want the little slices to sort of flower out from the bottom. Next, put them in ice cold water for about 90 minutes and TADA! you have a cool garnish.

In recent years, cooking has become a fantastically popular hobby. I think this is awesome. Dinner parties are so much more entertaining now. Do you have a dish that is a joy to cook, serve, eat, etc? Look up Paula Dean's Baked Spaghetti. Your mind will be blown. trust me.

"Nothing would be more tiresome than eating and drinking if God had not made them a pleasure as well as a necessity."
Voltaire

"Non-cooks think it's silly to invest two hours' work in two minutes' enjoyment; but if cooking is evanescent, so is the ballet."
Julia Child

aHA!

"...it took me a long time but I’ve finally figured it out. When it comes to men that are romantically interested in you, it’s really simple. Just ignore everything they say and only pay attention to what they do. It’s that simple. It’s that easy."

-Randy Pausch, Last Lecture, quoting Syl.

It really is that simple. and that easy.

HA!

But is it art?

Of course it is. The most sublime and brilliant kind.

"The desire to create is one of the deepest yearnings of the human soul....We each have an inherent wish to create something that did not exist before....You might say, "I'm not the creative type." If that is how you feel, think again. And remember that you are spirit daughters of the most creative being in the universe.
Think about it.
Don't let the voice of critics paralyze you.
The more you trust and rely upon the spirit, the greater your capacity to create."

-Dieter F. Uchtdorf


"Get messy! Make mistakes!"
-Mrs. Frizzle

it's on my mind, so it's on the web. narcissism to the max.

my adventure was grand. i have so many more fun and wonderful and interesting things to write about now.

but something more important is on my mind. let's go there.

She told me today that my life is proof God has a sense of humor. ain't that the truth. namely, He expresses it in the form of IRONY. i love irony. i love it. especially in my life. We laughed over this for an hour. continued talking about appropriately girly things, and made a final decision.

well, final for now.

random thoughts from the last week:

"I hope they didn't talk about me"

"Why did he do this NOW?"

"did she say anything to him? he wouldn't do this of his own volition...i think."

"Can this get more ironic?"

"I can't believe how coincidental this is. how coincidental all these things are."

"This just isn't FUNNY anymore!"

"Is that what a date is?"

"finally."

"the beginning of the end."

"It's too soon."

"just tell me thy will, please. i promise to do it."

"I will go and do."

This story has been going on in my life for 5 years. in his, for 3. It's coming to a head. I don't want it to. I do want it to. i don't know what i want. i know exactly what i want.

in a place where sometimes your skin is the only thing holding you together, how do you refrain from telling everyone what's going on? good news! it's happening! I told you so - and you won't like it, but i've known for years, and i'm used to the idea now.

This is the upside to being a girl. It's our prerogative.

I feel like I'm humming. Something is coursing through me, and i don't understand it. I don't know if i like it. fear. lots of it. anticipation. restlessness, anxiety, exuberance, happiness.

How do i hold it in?

I don't. I write it out.

But you know what?

It's the only thing I can't write out. I have written so much, over and over again. And i have taken long breaks, only to come back again. this one subject is not one that will heal with words or time. it will heal with a person.

who is back now.

let's do this.