on hermitness, music, and waiting.

Sometimes I Forget The Music.
Not by choice. {yes by choice.}
I just let it fade.
and somehow it always finds me again.
Almost by accident.
"How did i let you go?
How did I let YOU go?"

"Music express that which cannot be said, and on which it is impossible to be silent." - Victor Hugo.

How does simple poetry
set to a patterned tune,
have the power to make me fly
make me think
rip my soul apart
and be healed.
And how does music
fade?
And why do I let things go?
And why don't I dance more?
{there's a bald-faced lie.}
I dance all the time.

I. Am. so in love with life.

Once upon a time
i had a problem.
I'm still in recovery.
The thing is, other people thought it was a problem.
I was perfectly fine.
I am a closet hermit.
I prefer to spend time with myself.
and a good book.
always.

But at BYU, this is just unacceptable.
There are people to meet.
Girls to serve.
Boys to flirt with.
Movies to watch.
Heaven help the person who is fine by themselves.
They are an odd duck.

I think a lot about external validation.
How I measure my success.
and the correlation between the two.
or, more appropriately, the lack thereof.
I can see something and know it's intrinsic value.
But so can everyone else.

Have you ever done something you know you shouldn't do?
not just little things.
I mean a big thing.
I did.
And I don't regret it,
though i'll feel the pain of it for a long time.

I fell in love with a man.
An interesting man.
The man I'm not going to marry.
Because I'm not supposed to marry him.
But I want to.
The man I am supposed to marry
hasn't quite reached it yet.

How can i be shown the wine
and know that i'll only ever get water?
how do you reconcile that?
By knowing that He can turn water into wine.
But my puny mind doesn't like this.
I want the water-to-wine boy
to be wine now.
Because I'm tired of waiting.
and obviously, I know better.
yeah right.

This wine, though.
the wine i think i want.
i know i don't really want it.
it's bitter.
someone threw a seed in his mix.
and it got stomped on.
(did you know that grape seeds are bitter, and you can't squish them in the process of making wine, or the ruin the whole thing?)
but i always wonder
what happened to this love.
who threw in the seed, and then crushed it
and ruined him?
Because he his a great wine.
with a peculiar aftertaste
one that i don't quite like.
why then, do you ask
do i want to marry him?
because he is the only MAN
i have known in my life.
i know many boys.
and guys
but he is a man.
and i have this ridiculous, all-consuming, painful, retarded, unyielding, desperate, floundering, compulsory NEED to feel like i don't have to be in charge.
my water still makes me feel like i need to take charge.
and i hate that.
my wine... i can release all control to him.
and he likes it that way.
and so do i.
but my bitter wine
is not for me.
so i am waiting for my water.
to turn to a wine
fit for use.

because i am always waiting.