I don't know what I should be writing. I just feel like writing is what I need to do right now."
From my journal entry last night.
It turned out to be a very therapeutic experience.
I'm going to back track here for a second, so that I can explain something. Hang on with me...
Have you heard of the 5 love languages? It's an epidemic. I heard it, read it, took the test, blah blah blah. Something in me chafes at being so compartmentalized. Don't we all wish love was that easy?
gosh, why am i so hung up on love and emotions and feelings?? it is my fool, i suppose. i try to hard too be the scientist. i should try too hard to be a human.
My mother's love language is Words of Affirmation. To the uninitiated, it means that generally, she likes to be told that she is loved. She likes the expressions of love. (This is opposed to those who like acts of service, physical touch, gifts, or quality time.) She likes to talk about her feelings. and talk and talk and talk. I've told her that a journal is a fantastic thing and that she should get one. She doesn't think so. I can't stand talking about my feelings, but certainly feel very comfortable writing them out and telling them to no one and everybody.
Until I started blogging, I wrote in my journal often. I still write often, because there I can totally let go, mention names, and be a total fool. Here, not so much. I still can't tell cyberspace who I am going to marry (and how I know I will), how much I want to go on a mission, who I wish I could marry instead, who I betrayed, where I'm going with my future, and how incredibly irrational I can really be. But my journal is the keeper of all my secrets. And it has been for years.
There are many tribes that believe in "nouni" - speaking things into existence. I believe in writing things into existence. Once it's out I can't take it back. I confessed. I stated. I wrote the words, put muscle, faith, and me into them. It's real. Sometimes I wish it wasn't. But it is.
God has other plans for my life.
"My life is but a weaving, between my God and me,
I do not choose the colors, He worketh steadily.Ofttimes he weaveth sorrow, and I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper, and I the underside.
Not till the loom is silent, and the shuttles cease to fly,
Will God unroll the canvas, and explain the reasons why
The dark threads are as needful in the skillful weaver's hand
As threads of gold and silver in the pattern He has planned.
He knows, He loves, He cares,
Nothing this truth can dim.
He gives His very best to those
Who leave the choice with Him."
-Anonymous
ok. this post is too long. end.
Claire -
ReplyDeleteThank you for clicking "post a comment". I wondered how you would take my random comment. Now, to answer your questions....
"We know each other, yes?" Gosh, I wish. I think I would be somewhat star-struck to know you, however.
"Why can I not discover who you are then?" Do you mean that it's on the tip of your tongue, and you cannot place how you know me, or why won't I tell you who I am? To answer the first, it's because we've never met. Though, BYU is a small world, and I'd bet my GRE score that we have mutual friends.
To answer the second, it's because the anonymity of the blog provides me with the freedom to say everything I can't say. I'm afraid that telling anyone will rob me of the freedom I feel here. No one knows who the author of this blog is.
"Realizing that someone reads your deepest words--even if they are edited for online presentation--is a crazy feeling, especially when you don't realize who it is you're sharing them with."
And I thank you so so so much for having the courage I lack. Truly, it's inspirational. I hope you don't think I'm a creeper. I just find that I relate to you a lot. Strange, but true. I think people feel alone too much, and if we opened up more and realized that others go through the same trials, we'll all be in a place to help each other out. I get a lot of comfort from your ability to express what I don't know how to say. So please keep posting. Remember in September when you didn't post like... at all? Yeah, that sucked. Now, if I could insert the wry smile emoticon, it would go here....
Dear Blogger,
ReplyDeleteI caught your words off Claire's blog and they inticed me. So I followed and now I feel I want to read more of your thoughts. I hope you are okay with that. You are more than a scientist because you are more than logic. Thanks.