Non Sum Qualis Eram Bonae sub Regno Cynarae

Living alone makes me write in this blog. Oh, I have missed it. Here is a poem, full of longing and despair, which I think is beautiful. How often in life do we try to distract ourselves, but yield hopelessly to the night, which is owner of shadows (both physical and psychological)?

(I am not as I was under the reign of the good Cynara - Horace)

LAST night, ah, yesternight, betwixt her lips and mine

There fell thy shadow, Cynara! thy breath was shed

Upon my soul between the kisses and the wine;

And I was desolate and sick of an old passion,

Yea, I was desolate and bowed my head:

I have been faithful to thee, Cynara! in my fashion.

All night upon mine heart I felt her warm heart beat,

Night-long within mine arms in love and sleep she lay;

Surely the kisses of her bought red mouth were sweet;

But I was desolate and sick of an old passion,

When I awoke and found the dawn was gray:

I have been faithful to you, Cynara! in my fashion.

I have forgot much, Cynara! gone with the wind,

Flung roses, roses riotously with the throng,

Dancing, to put thy pale, lost lilies out of mind;

But I was desolate and sick of an old passion,

Yea, all the time, because the dance was long;

I have been faithful to thee, Cynara! in my fashion.

I cried for madder music and for stronger wine,

But when the feast is finished and the lamps expire,

Then falls thy shadow, Cynara! the night is thine;

And I am desolate and sick of an old passion,

Yea, hungry for the lips of my desire:

I have been faithful to thee, Cynara! in my fashion.

Ernest Dowson

Normalcy.

I think some people have a harder time embracing their all-encompassing normality (normalcy? normalness?), than embracing their uniqueness.

I know too many people who want to be a martyr for their causes ("You don't understand what I'm going through!") rather than just reach out and ask for help.

How dumb is that.

It's always poetry

Generally speaking, I prefer the written word when it comes to art. I like paintings, sculptures (LOVE that), architecture, and music. But the written word is my favorite.

About a year ago I found a friend in possession of this book. I asked if I could borrow it and proceeded to not return it for 8 months. I found that I just kept coming back to it. Over and over again. Oscar Williams was brilliant - this is my favorite compilation of anything ever.

Now, The Count of Monte Cristo is my favorite book, but I think if I had to pick a book to read for the rest of my life, I might choose this one. It explains more about human emotion than I've ever read. It describes more things than I think I will ever experience.

I read all the poems in this book, and I constantly questioned everything about them. What is the author going through? Why that word? Would I have done something differently? Do men really feel this deeply (I have absolutely zero experience with men, so whenever they write poetry or music, I find my skeptical nature rises to the surface)? What is the story behind this poem? Did he marry this girl? Did she waste in loneliness?

And it's so beautiful how much I learned from this book. Some of the most beautiful poems about stuff I'd never think to write about! Poems about the breeze, aging, truth, stillness, histories, brotherhood, and so many others. It's just a delightful book in every aspect.

And this post is me waxing lyrical.

And now for some levity:

"Advice to my Son"

by Peter Meinke

The trick is, to live your days,

as if each one may be your last

(for they go fast, and young men lose their lives

in strange and unimaginable ways)

but at the same time, plan long range

(for they go slow: if you survive

the shattered windshield and the bursting shell

you will arrive

at our approximation here below

of heaven or hell).

To be specific, between the peony and the rose

plant squash and spinach, turnips and tomatoes;

beauty is nectar

and nectar, in a desert, saves -

but the stomach craves stronger sustenance

than the honied vine.

Therefore, marry a pretty girl

after seeing her mother;

show your soul to one man,

work with another,

and always serve bread with your wine.

But , son,

always serve wine.

sometimes....

sometimes... I stay up late and watch movies.

sometimes... I do things I shouldn't, and say things I shouldn't.

sometimes... I indulge in my favorite guilty pleasures: Irish drinking songs and chick flicks.

sometimes... I am flippant when I should be serious.

sometimes... I say mean things in my head.

and

sometimes.... I stay up late and write random posts on my blog.

"The time has come,"

the walrus said,

"to think on other things...."

What a day...

I had a great Turkey Day. It's my second favorite holiday, after 4th of July. But I woke up this morning and was not myself. This poem came to mind, fully formed. So if it's terrible, I blame my subconscious. Here it is, unedited.

I slept in your arms in my dreams last night.

But when I woke, you were gone.

And when I woke, my heart ached.

We laughed in my memories last night.

But when I woke, it was to a drab, grey morning.

And when I woke, it was with a tearing gaze.

We lingered in my fantasies last night.

But when I woke, only dreams and memories comfort me.

And when I woke, only dreams and memories are with me.

For the time is not come for we two to be one.

But like Dowson, I say, Lover! the night is thine!

and like Horace, I say, I am desolate and sick of an old passion.

Waking Life

Is there another word for thesaurus? :)

I am really relating to this song lately. And I love the movie.

"i'm not lost, i'm just looking for my prince....and by the way, you're still on my mind."

And i love fall.

and i love reading. still.

and i love food that is so spicy it makes my nose run.

and i love adventure.

and i love being clever.

and i love my friends.

my family.

my books.

my brain.

which sounds conceited, i know, but i love it just the same.

some things never change

i write something, and i hate it.

i write something again, and i hate it.

i write something else..... surprise, i hate it.

i edit, edit, edit.... and i can't find the words. nothing sounds right. nothing feels right. endlessly feeling out the sentences, the words, the phrases, and the way the words feel in my mouth is just WRONG. ( i just edited that section 3 times. see what i mean?)

not that one shouldn't edit.... but usually it's not this hard for me.

well, usually i'm quoting people so usually editing isn't necessary.

I don't consider myself a gifted writer. I lean more towards the succinct and exact, rather than the emotionally exhaustive. I never make the page limits given in english classes. it drives me nuts that they even give me page limits anyway.

this season is one of waiting. i see a different life approaching quickly, and i am so excited to exit this current one. graduation, jobs, a new location, a new scene, new friends, new sights. not provo. not anymore. it is finally (and happily) time to go.

but as previously discussed, i hate waiting.

sometimes i have real issues with the whole 'Lord's Timetable' thing. i'm so ridiculous, it's ridiculous. maybe sometime soon i'll grow up.

Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.

I am a very bold person.

"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back-- Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth that ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now."

-attributed to Goethe

Because I am a bold person, hesitancy bothers me. When I see people hedging, I get frustrated. It took me a long time to figure out why. I used to think that they didn't know themselves well enough to move forward and act. That they were indecisive and rely on others to help them make their decisions.

That is very judgmental, I know.

The more I observe people, however, the more I understand the hesitators. Perhaps they do not know their own mind, perhaps they like to mull over things for a long time, or perhaps they just know that some things do not require worry on their part. This last point is something I could learn from.

A down side to being a hermit is that we often do not understand people. We can understand a person (usually ourselves, and very well) but people, societal rules, and social constructs.... some of the things we do just seem so binding and ridiculous.

This is where boldness comes in. This is where my inner Rhett comes out to play.

And I believe that once you fully commit yourself, not much can stop you. There's something powerful about commitment. "Failure is not an option." is a more powerful statement than some people realize.

hope is a good thing

I think hope and despair are two sides of the same coin. Hope is the dream, and despair is a nightmare.

I had a nightmare and a dream last night. Literally. It's particularly odd since I never remember my dreams.

Should I believe in coincidences?

Coincidence is logical.
Johan Cruijff

Coincidence is the word we use when we can't see the levers and pulleys.
Emma Bull

love, like, loathe and kiss, date, dump.

I like this show: LEVERAGE

I loathe this sport: Volleyball

And I LOVE this book (and despise the movie): The Count of Monte Cristo

Out of Mr. Darcy, Mr. Thornton, & Mr. Rochester, I would....

Kiss Mr. Rochester

"What do you think of the Master?" - Ms. Fairfax

"He seems very changeable, Ma'am." - Jane Eyre

Dump Mr. Darcy

"I could more easily forgive his pride if he had not wounded mine." - Elizabeth Bennett

And I would marry Mr. Thornton.

"I don't want to possess you! I want to marry you because I love you!" -Mr. Thornton

"Well you shouldn't! Because I don't like you...and I never have." - Margaret Hale

should, ought, and won't.

10 things i feel slightly guilty about not liking:

1. seafood.

2. politics

3. The Work and the Glory series.

4. physical exercise

5. math

6. people that let their emotions take over their lives.

7. modern fiction

8. crowds

9. pictures of people's vacations

10. facebook status abusers.

10 things i feel no shame whatsoever about:

1. ridiculous amounts of cheese on spaghetti or lasagna.

2. making obscure references that i know no one understands

3. driving fast.

4. the fact that all i think comes out my eyes. (it's true, i can never hide how i really feel)

5. the whole debacle with the jerk.

6. i can be unrepentantly ambitious.

7. my scrooge-iness.

8. how much i like reading. i will almost always choose to read and not play.

9. my need to make food look pretty... more than it should taste good.

10. the fact that i posted something as narcissistic as this.

it's a good day. :)

The Very Thought of You

"There's no such thing as a difficult decision... the truth is decisions are easy. You know why? Because every time, every time, you already know the answers... You see, You didn't come to see me to make a decision. You came to me because you didn't like the decision you'd already made." - Pederson

I love the recklessness of faith. First you leap, and then you grow wings.
William Sloane Coffin

"People need to be reminded more than they need to be instructed."

-CS Lewis

1. I wonder sometimes how often I've gone to my mom, not to make a decision but to feel justified in the decision I already knew I was going to make. I don't think people struggle with deciding. I think they struggle with the consequences they knew they won't escape.

2. HA! I love faith too. But man, sometimes it's hard to jump.

3. Galileo once said "you cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him find it within himself." How true, how true. And dear CS sums it up very well too. We already know how and why we should do things. I think this is where the importance of example comes into play.

4. I love America. Happy Birthday Homeland.

Hamlet, Act 5 Scene 2

"Sir, in my heart there was a kind of fighting,
That would not let me sleep: methought I lay
Worse than the mutines in the bilboes. Rashly,
And praised be rashness for it, let us know,
Our indiscretion sometimes serves us well,
When our deep plots do pall: and that should teach us
There's a divinity that shapes our ends,
Rough-hew them how we will,--"

-Hamlet, Act 5 Scene 2.

The lenses through which we view life affect how we interpret new experiences. This is not new information.

I find myself thankful for the rashness in me that often saves me from myself.

spot-on

"Inability to Disengage Personal Worth from Ideas. Now this is a kicker. I think some people are so invested in their ideas, in what they have learned, that they view any sort of disagreement as a personal attack. This is the worst way to live. They seem to take arguments as an opportunity to get angry and hurt and, consequentially, retreat further away from any possible risk of having their faulty sense of self shaken."

-Clancy

A few of my favorite things...

i am extraordinarily happy today.

I'm listening to "Hey Soul Sister" by Train, and thinking of warm beaches, wind in my hair, and the way boys smell.

I love that smell.

Soon I will be in the arms of angels. I will see my family.

I have chips and salsa,

I hear a lovely desert rain,

I have a that smile I can't erase,

I have chocolate in my tummy, and

a loving Heavenly Father who told me yesterday that He loves me, is proud of me, and to hang in there...it's gonna be more awesome than even I can imagine (and I can imagine a lot...).

ALSO, I got my Take That cd. FInallY.

Many things make me happy. I love happy.

I reached a conclusion about art and music. Maybe it's too fluid. I'm working on it. Essentially, I think that if it speaks to you, then sure... it's art. It's hard to define something that is an emotional connection. That's what makes art interesting. I am actually fond of Jackson Pollacks. Even though he just threw paint at a canvas.

I've seen reproductions, and I've seen other people do what he did. Very few of them speak to me.

I like dandelions, country music, and the golden mean. I like talks by Holland, polka dots, and a thick sauce.

just sayin'.

Don't you worry 'bout a thing

Today my best friend told me that she's worried she might marry someone she doesn't love.

I nearly choked on the irony.

She's worried she'll settle out of desperation. I've accepted it as His plan for me.

But don't worry. I don't believe in being condemned to live a loveless life.

"Have I not commanded thee? Be strong and of good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."

-Joshua 1:9

I think this has real merit.

1. Denial.

2. Anger.

3. Bargaining.

4. Depression.

5. Acceptance.

One year for each! hooah, 5 years of the ridiculous cycle.

I hear a lot of people trying to ignore what they feel. shove it away, not think about it, and pretend it doesn't exist. Why? It's like they're trying to skip the last step... which we can all agree is the most essential.

It makes me think of the line from "French Kiss" with Meg Ryan and Kevin Kline. Meg's character is talking to her ex-fiancé, and about how guilty he feels. She begins to tell him that it's OK, she's moved on... then quickly switches gears.

"You know what? Feel guilty. Soak in it till you're fingers get all pruney."

I love that line.

Every new feeling adds a dimension of humanity that is interesting and worthy of investigation.

So what do i feel? what am I soaking in till my fingers get all pruney?

Acceptance.

Because i'm done being mad, sad, in pain, and drained. I'm ready to explore the last step.

"We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us."
Joseph Campbell

It's inspiration

President Uchtdorf's talk from Priesthood session is inspired.

That is all I have to say.

singin and dancin and all that joyous stuff

guys, the music is back.

the MUSIC is BACK.

this is a big deal. s'riously.

it's back in the form of something smaller than my hand, and golden yellow. love.

while i would like to be esoteric, mysterious, and... ok, whatever, I really don't want to be like that. Simply put, my ipod broke last week, and I finally decided that I had enough in my budget to buy a refurbished one from apple.

this past week - sans music - has been interesting (being with my own thoughts...) but i really love music.

guys, i love music. so so much.

and it's BACK!

hoo-ah.

what's your favorite song? I'm really diggin "Timshel" by Mumford and Sons and "the devil went down to Georgia"..... good stuff.

Wooooooooorrrrdddsss

Polonius: What do you read, my lord?

Hamlet: Words, words, words.



Hamlet: Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio.