What a day...

I had a great Turkey Day. It's my second favorite holiday, after 4th of July. But I woke up this morning and was not myself. This poem came to mind, fully formed. So if it's terrible, I blame my subconscious. Here it is, unedited.

I slept in your arms in my dreams last night.

But when I woke, you were gone.

And when I woke, my heart ached.

We laughed in my memories last night.

But when I woke, it was to a drab, grey morning.

And when I woke, it was with a tearing gaze.

We lingered in my fantasies last night.

But when I woke, only dreams and memories comfort me.

And when I woke, only dreams and memories are with me.

For the time is not come for we two to be one.

But like Dowson, I say, Lover! the night is thine!

and like Horace, I say, I am desolate and sick of an old passion.

Waking Life

Is there another word for thesaurus? :)

I am really relating to this song lately. And I love the movie.

"i'm not lost, i'm just looking for my prince....and by the way, you're still on my mind."

And i love fall.

and i love reading. still.

and i love food that is so spicy it makes my nose run.

and i love adventure.

and i love being clever.

and i love my friends.

my family.

my books.

my brain.

which sounds conceited, i know, but i love it just the same.

some things never change

i write something, and i hate it.

i write something again, and i hate it.

i write something else..... surprise, i hate it.

i edit, edit, edit.... and i can't find the words. nothing sounds right. nothing feels right. endlessly feeling out the sentences, the words, the phrases, and the way the words feel in my mouth is just WRONG. ( i just edited that section 3 times. see what i mean?)

not that one shouldn't edit.... but usually it's not this hard for me.

well, usually i'm quoting people so usually editing isn't necessary.

I don't consider myself a gifted writer. I lean more towards the succinct and exact, rather than the emotionally exhaustive. I never make the page limits given in english classes. it drives me nuts that they even give me page limits anyway.

this season is one of waiting. i see a different life approaching quickly, and i am so excited to exit this current one. graduation, jobs, a new location, a new scene, new friends, new sights. not provo. not anymore. it is finally (and happily) time to go.

but as previously discussed, i hate waiting.

sometimes i have real issues with the whole 'Lord's Timetable' thing. i'm so ridiculous, it's ridiculous. maybe sometime soon i'll grow up.

Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.

I am a very bold person.

"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back-- Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth that ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now."

-attributed to Goethe

Because I am a bold person, hesitancy bothers me. When I see people hedging, I get frustrated. It took me a long time to figure out why. I used to think that they didn't know themselves well enough to move forward and act. That they were indecisive and rely on others to help them make their decisions.

That is very judgmental, I know.

The more I observe people, however, the more I understand the hesitators. Perhaps they do not know their own mind, perhaps they like to mull over things for a long time, or perhaps they just know that some things do not require worry on their part. This last point is something I could learn from.

A down side to being a hermit is that we often do not understand people. We can understand a person (usually ourselves, and very well) but people, societal rules, and social constructs.... some of the things we do just seem so binding and ridiculous.

This is where boldness comes in. This is where my inner Rhett comes out to play.

And I believe that once you fully commit yourself, not much can stop you. There's something powerful about commitment. "Failure is not an option." is a more powerful statement than some people realize.