today i lack courage. and i always lack capitals.

i don't know how to tell you that i'm happy you are happy.

we were friends first, for years, before it messed up.

so i will always have the friend reaction first.

and the girly one next.

and i can't tell you how sad it made me,

when i could see the light go out in your eyes,

when you thought everything was over.

and were so confused, like me.

but each for very different reasons.

but now, i'm so happy that i can see you filled with life.

that i can see you are so in love with life,

because you are so in love.

and finally, it's wonderful again. and we're good.

and i will always want to tell you

that now i know what to look for,

because you helped me find it.

and i'm so happy for you.

but i can never tell you.

because today i lack courage.

and tomorrow it won't matter.

books and me? yeah, we get along.

speaking of jade-tricked, i think i was sucker-punched too. yes, they are different things. but this time, they're funny.

today i realized who one of my friends reminds me of. truly, it's like he stepped off the pages of my books and into my life.

he must think i'm insane because i stare in stunned silence at how much he is like this fictional character.
who is the character? this guy:


oh Rhett, my first fictional love. (should have known then the type of guys I'd fall for... don't worry, I like good boys now, not bad ones.)
You know what i love about Rhett? his ruthless honesty. that painful, ruthless, tactless honesty, i just love it. "I can handle anything from you but a lie, my dear." So, point the first: only the honest ones.
next, practicality. Sensible, thorough logic. "We are scoundrels, both of us." indeed, he is.
the ability to see things as they are. and to make them what he wants them to be. love that clout.
lastly, and this is something you miss if you just watch the movie, his sense of humanity.

it's almost tradition in my family, that the girls read gone with the wind when we are 12, and fall for rhett. all my sister did it, my mother, my nana and her sisters.... kind of makes me want daughters.

anyway, my friend is Rhett, and it's the best. I feel like i have my own personal celebrity.

Scarlett: Sir, you are no gentleman.
Rhett Butler: And you, Miss, are no lady.

Take That

My bishop looks like Robbie Williams.
I love the band Take That.
"Sometimes we don't know what we're waiting for/ but that's the time to be the first one on the dance floor/ we go from green to blue to gold to black/ breathe deep. who knows how long this will last. "
Sometimes my mind feels like a whirling dervish.
And i just want it to stop.
so i write, to make it shut up for a while.
but it starts chattering away again.
did i say sometimes? i meant all the time.

lately i've been wondering why my top 5 favorite books were published before 1880.
i've wondered that since i was 17.
they speak to me. relatable. fiction published now is... boring. easy. too much BAM in too short a time. too much of WHAT is said, rather than HOW it's said. they don't trust the reader enough.
kind of like politics.

lately i've been thinking about beatrice. and benedick. i need a benedick. i am beatrice. "we are too wise to woo peaceably."
"but then there was a star danced. And under that was I born."
"you always end with a jade's trick. I know you of old."

i think i've been jade tricked. the fun is payback.

was there a point to this?
je ne sais pas.